Let’s just stop right here. You don’t care. You really don’t.

We’ll all pretend that we are of the horsey set for a few hours but we aren’t. We have no idea whose mare was sired by whose stud or any other such nonsense. But we are pretending.

I hate it but there will be no mint julips. You can have a sugared bourbon.., no idea why you’d want that but we have the technology. We just don’t have mint. And no, I’m not hitting the Piggly Wiggly for a bit of mint on the off chance that you (you don’t) care for a preposterous drink that you would never consider ordering if it weren’t for a sporting event that you only watch once a year, maybe a diminishing two more times if the same horse wins.

You really don’t care.

I used to throw a party for the race. One time a local bartender from another restaurant was eating with me and he nailed the win, place, show. He won $15 grand. That was a fun day. He tipped obscenely. He gets a special trip to the grocery for some mint (did you catch the Britishism) but his was a rare occasion.

So come join us for a regular beer, glass of wine, or non mint infused cocktail. We’ll pretend we are Mark Twain or something for the two minutes of the race and we’ll make a fortune off the drinks we sell in the indeterminate period that NBC spends in the roll out. They talk for weeks for an event that flashes by. It’s gold.