[UPDATED: Management has objected to the following text and asked that it be ignored in favor of the text following the following text.]

If it’s so great, why isn’t it on the regular menu?

Ever been in a great relationship but she doesn’t like baseball and then you meet someone who you know you don’t have much in common with she but looks like the kind of girl who would definitely watch baseball, maybe even without being asked, and before you know it you’re pretending to read the sports page in the morning so your significant other doesn’t realize that instead of working late you were sharing a plate of spicy wings and a pitcher of beer while the Braves play?

Right now we’re featuring Creamy Lemon Penne and Penne alla Vodka. Creamy Lemon Penne comes directly from the Italian culinary pantheon. There’s so much citrus growing in Sicily that even dishes with none included among the ingredients come off with a bright acidity. It’s in the air and it marries well with mid-peninsula style cream sauces. Vodka sauce snuck into the cuisine in the 70s or 80s. Lots of chefs claim to have invented it. Many believe it was introduced as part of an advertising campaign by Russian distilleries trying to grab some dolce market share but none of the sites I’ve read claiming this can name a distillery or a precise time of the push. Maybe there’s a Vodka Council that works as an imaging conglomerate or something. “Got Vodka?”

My suspicion is that Penne alla Vodka was a drunken accident like, despite the scandalous legends, Puttanesca but where Puttanesca was a brilliant improvisation I think alla Vodka was a spill. One too many made a late night cook spill a shot into the pan and what are you going to do? In both cases, the results were beyond what could have been hoped for. They deserved repetition.

You should try both features. I don’t mean come in one time and have one and then a few days later take a break from way too early Christmas shopping to see if you liked the other as much as the first. No. I mean you should order both. People stare when someone orders two entrees for themself, especially if that person is dining alone. But that says more about them than you. Shake it off.

Whatever you do, start with our featured appetizer: Bruschetta with tomato, basil, garlic, fresh mozzarella and balsamic vinegar. It’s got tomato, basil, garlic, fresh mozzarella and balsamic vinegar. You’ll love it.

Please ignore the above in favor of the following ad agency approved messaging:

What’s that? New super savory features from your friends at DeVinci’s?

It’s knock-your-socks off time and the crew at DV’s is up to the task. Start your Italian Stay-Cation with handcrafted bruschetta heaped with rustic cut tomato, picked basil, minced garlic, and fresh mozzarella topped with a generous drizzle of bold balsamic vinegar for a taste of Emillia Romano right here in Homewood.

As an entrée, why not try one of our featured pasta entrees?

Our Creamy Lemon Penne combines rich Roman style cream sauce popping with bright lemons reminiscent of an afternoon on the Sicilian coast. You won’t know whether to cheer on your favorite charioteer at the Circus Maximus or just keep your mouth shut about what you saw.

Or try our Penne alla Vodka. The proof is in the pasta coating tomato sauce, and you’ll be glad it is when you taste this newcomer to the peninsula. Rome, Bologna, and even New York all claim this sauce as their own, and who can blame them? The one thing they can all agree on: It’s delicious!

So come see us in lovely refurbished downtown Homewood! We’ve got an iconic smile just for you!